Olivia Bray - University of Texas Swim

Food has been an issue for me for as long as I can remember. Growing up, everyone always said I was just a picky eater because I ate the same five things every day. As an athlete, it was hard for me to maintain the energy I needed to even make it through practice. To figure out my food ‘issues,’ I tried occupational therapy, hypnotherapy, and nutritionists, but nothing would help me get better. Honestly, I don’t think I was ready to change and get better. I was swimming fast, so I didn’t think it was a problem. Nothing else mattered to me except that. 

After doing some research when COVID just hit, we discovered that I likely have ARFID, which is avoidant-restrictive food intake disorder. In May 2020, I went to an eating disorder treatment center halfway across the country. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I was finally ready to accept it and challenge these habits. I finally wanted to give myself a better life. However, I was not ready for the intense emotions of fear and pain that I would experience there. I cried every day in treatment and it was one of the most difficult parts of my life. But, I knew that better days lay ahead if I could overcome my fears.

Since leaving treatment and working with the staff at UT, I’ve been able to push past my fear of food and add lots of variety to my diet. I now eat protein, fruits, and vegetables! While working with these professionals, I also learned that I was using my ED to cope. Along with this, I started to learn and understand more about my anxiety and depression and how they were intertwined with my ED. Everything is connected. 

Since I try not to cope with my ED anymore, I have been feeling emotions for the first time and learning healthy ways to cope. I had no idea that this was normal and expected when recovering from an ED. I thought that once I got past my fear of food and stopped restricting that I would be normal, but a different kind of struggle emerged. As I work through this part of recovery and get a grasp on it, I hope to share this part of my story so people aren’t blindsided by the after-effects like I was. I hope that more information about EDs and recovery is available. 

I continue sharing my story as I never want anyone to feel as alone and helpless as I did. I want people to know how brave it is to ask for help and work towards recovery and growth. It is a scary thing to do, but it is necessary to acknowledge, open up, and ask for help. I use my platform to talk about EDs, mental health, and my story. I hope one day I can do more to help and support others. While this is a very brief version of my story, I hope that you can take the following things away from this: you are not alone, you can do this, and it’s brave to ask for help